There are any number of depressing roadposts on the freeway toward the apocolypse, but one of the more annoying is the literal sameness of prime time TV. If there are any differences between the shows "Everybody loves raymond", "King of Queens", and "According to jim", these differences are certainly lost on me. It would probably be amusing to hear the producers of the various shows rant on about how thoroughly distinct THEIR product is vis-a-vis the others, but amusing in a boring get-me-the-hell-away-from-this-person kind of way. Reality TV is fun for about 14 seconds until you realize that just about every American will apparently toss their moral compass in the dumpster in exchange for the chance to win fourteen dollars and eighty-three cents in cash or prizes. Never one to merely gripe, I have come up with some heady and fun tv show ideas. Here's are the pitches for several:
Title: Your Life, My Pants
Format: Sitcom
The Pitch: Doogie Howser meets Minority Report. Steve Johnson is a not-so-attractive, pimply faced, 16 year-old precog, with the ability to see violent crimes a week before they happen. In particular, Steve foresees only very attractive 20 something female victims of violent crimes. Hilarity ensues when the bumbling but horny Steve attempts to warn the woman of her impending doom but falls hopelessly in love (week after week) in the process. Will Steve be able to help the victim steer clear of tragedy in time? or will his raging hormones and inability to communicate with a real woman get the best of him AGAIN and render his vision useless.
Title: Alcoholics Unanimous!
Format: Reality Show
The Pitch: A good looking young man armed with a suitcase filled with a million dollars goes to a 10 person alcoholics anonymous meeting and declares: "I will give every one of you $100,000 if each of you drinks 2 shots of bourbon in the next hour. Discuss". For those of you who think that this is a horrific idea and demonstrates massive insensitivity to my fellow man, I can only say that you must not have watched any of the other reality shows Fox had on last season.
Title: Cracker Barrel
Format: Sitcom
The Pitch: A well-to-do African American couple living on Park Avenue adopt four trailer park white kids whose parents died in a double homicide or double suicide ("it was hard to tell from the note they left", remarks the eldest boy Clem in the first episode). Hijinx ensue when the kids "we don't trust blacks" upbringing collides with their new parents' generous, caring, and well-intentioned circle of friends