Well, i done got to thinkin about my post the other day in which I talked about how much I dislike most of the books you could generally lump into the "how to be more successful" category. These range from the CEO of xyz corp telling his/her story, to the psycho-babble moving of cheeses types, to the Tony Robbins style self-improvement book/tape/cd/planner gift sets. Never one to merely complain about the faults of others (hmmmm, ok, maybe better to say "frequently one to make fun of others", anyway...), I have decided to outline for you the book idea I put forth in my previous post. The book, you'll recall, will be titled "who is going to clean up the poop?". Before we sally forth into the actual outline, let me tell you what I don't like about most business books: they are as predictable and similar in substance and style as a porn movie. Let's examine:
Business Book Opening: The company or middle manager is in a rut and in need of some energizing force or new idea.
Porn Movie Opening: The housewife is in a rut and in need of some energizing force or new experience. For some reason, she is dressed pretty much like a hooker.
Business Book Setup: An energizing and creative concept is proposed that has the potential to effect beneficial change in the manager or company.
Porn Movie Setup: An energizing concept is introduced in the form of a pizza delivery man who has the potential to effect beneficial change in the housewife
Business Book Core: The energizing concept is applied to the organization or manager in three very specific ways resulting in a positive experience.
Porn Movie Core: The pizza delivery man applies his energizing concept with the housewife in three very specific ways resulting in an oh-so-positive experience
Business Book Conclusion: Happy Ending. Having successfully applied the energizing concept, the business or manager can now focus more effectively on some strategy or task.
Porn Movie Conclusion: Very Happy Ending. Having successfully applied the energizing concept, the housewife puts her hooker clothes back on.
ok, so they diverge just a bit at the end there, but they're basically the same. Having established that the business book genre is in need of a real kick in the pants (to say nothing of the porn genre, which i'll leave to somebody in west hollywood), let's now take a look at my outline for a business book for the rest of us: "Who is going to clean up the poop?".
Chapter 1: There is poop on the carpet.
Summary: Let's face it, this place is a mess, and worse yet, the people who made the mess either don't think it's a mess or they realize it's a mess but prefer it that way. We've all been a part of these organizations. Org charts with more dotted lines than a rocky mountain trail guide, inability to get anything done without 15 people meeting about it for a week, and enough slug-a-beds and do-nothings to fill the Temples at Angkor Wat. There is poop on the carpet, and nobody seems to care. There's always been poop on the carpet, it doesn't bother us, indeed, we like it this way. Step one in the business book for the rest of us is to face facts: the dogs that roam this organization are shitting everywhere, and it's time to shove their faces in it.
Chapter 2: Who pooped on the carpet.
Summary: It's time to assign blame. You know that old adage: "it's nobody fault"? that's total bullshit. It's definitely somebody's fault, probably more than one person's, and it's time to humiliate them in front of all the other dogs and children (by the way, the sooner you start thinking of your colleagues, bosses, and subordinates all as dogs and children that need to earn your loyalty and trust, and you theirs, the better). Print out a copy of your immediate organization's org chart, and make little poop symbols in the box of anybody who is to blame for poop being on the carpet. Now is no time to be a kiss-ass, so you might as well make a poop symbol in the box at the very top of the chart, even if it's you. Call a meeting for the entire organization, make a slide of your poop-beriddled org chart, and project it onto the screen at the front of the room. Say nothing for one minute, and then announce, "This organization is like a suburban living room. Some of us are trying to keep the room clean and well-lit, while others of you are shitting on the carpet. Starting today, I'm the industrial shampoo-vac, and things are going to channge." Walk out of the room. Way to go. Now, time to kick ass.
Chapter 3: Fire Somebody
Summary: It's time to show you're serious. When Bill Parcells took over the coaching job of the woeful Dallas Cowboys, the first thing he did was fire a member of the team that did what all pro athletes seem to do - take concealed weapons to strip clubs. Parcells fired that guy and now the cowboys are playoff-bound. It's that simple. Look through your list of minions and fire one of them, preferably somebody you really hate. If you can't fire anybody, you shouldn't be reading this book, as you are not high enough up in the organization to be reading about business. Now, here's the tricky part. Firing somebody can be hard. So, just put a big red X through the person's box on the org chart, and when they come into your office, hand this chart to them and say "any questions?". It's best to make these things go as quickly as possible. After the person is gone, make sure everybody else in the organization gets a copy of the org chart with the big red X through it. Pencil in "any questions?" at the bottom of the page.
To be continued....
Posted by Dick at December 20, 2003 10:34 AM | TrackBack