802.11me

PartyGuy15

If you are a single woman, and you use an online dating service, I think there is about a 40% chance that you have killed yourself by now.

I was looking at The Onion last night, and I noticed in one of the corner's now that they are displaying personals/dating ads. I glanced at the ad, and was struck by how utterly pathetic the guy sounded. I decided to go take a look at some of the personals to see if they were all so hopeless. Here's what I found in my very unscientific 5 minute study:

1. If you are looking to date single women, there are a host of funny, intelligent, attractive, and seemingly adorable girls out there.

2. If you are looking to date single men, you might as well shoot yourself in the fucking head.

Let's look at just a couple details. Here was the woman's userId that I looked at: Needleinahaystack. Cute. she's trying to tell us that we should look for her. she's not overstating it, she's just saying 'hey, i think you should stop and take a look because amidst all this clutter, i might be different'. Notice she didn't say "diamond in the rough" and come off as arrogant. needleinahaystack is way better. nice.

Now let's look at the three guy's nicknames i saw: JeffTwo, GlobeTrotter, and ToolDaddy. Oh brother. ok, fellas, let's break it down. Jeff, bubby, honey, we love you, but listen up. Here's what your inventive id says to women: "my name is probably jeff. i might like the number 2, isn't that sexy? or maybe i'm one of two jeffs in my family, or maybe the name Jeff was taken, so then I had the cool idea 'hey, i could be JeffTwo!'". Very creative, Jeff. Next in line we have GlobeTrotter. Wow, get it? he's a world traveller, baby. He cruises the globe, and he knows chicks dig travel. But he doesn't just fly a bit here and there. No, not the glogetrotter. The globetrotter is a travel animal. Climb aboard, honey, we're goin places.... Oy. NEXT! ....ToolDaddy. ok, well, that's just no damn good at all. There are multiple interpretations, and each is worse than the next.

So, then, I went and looked at one more thing. Needleinahaystack and ToolDaddy both had to list "the five things they couldn't live without". Let's take a look. Here is what the woman Needleinahaystack listed:

1. Friends and Family
2. Food and Wine
3. Ability to laugh at myself
4. Passport/Metrocard
5. Human Touch

ok. We now know some cool things about this woman. She values the people that are close to her. She's self-deprecating, an awesome feature in anybody, as it usually implies several other excellent traits. She too travels, but she also just rides the subway, excellent juxtaposition. And lastly, she doesn't say "a strong man" or "a man's strong touch" or something idiotic like that. She says "human touch"....we can't live without physical contact and affection. Nice list. Very cute. Boys, you definitely want to talk to needleinahaystack. The other couple ads from women i looked at were of a similar quality vis a vis creativity and information.

Now let's look at ToolDaddy's five things he can't live without:
toothbrush,drum-set,tools,radio and air conditioner

No shit. That is his actual list. Ok, tooldaddy, pay very very close attention. When you are making your list, you want to be thinking "when a woman sees this, will it make her want to call me? will it make her think i'm exciting and cool and fun?". your first thing on that list is "toothbrush". from this, we know that you are an unimaginative loser, possibly with a halitosis problem. Hard to believe you could convey all that with one word, but you've succeeded. Next, drum-set. Hmmm. We now also know that you have an ugly fucking drum-set in your apartment. Swell. Next, tools and radio. Ok, time out, tooldaddy. Once again, please remember why you're here, and try to focus. The purpose of the question is not literally "what 5 items would help you survive in a bomb shelter", ok? Rather, the people who run this personals site are trying to help you meet girls. What about always needing a "radio" makes you hot? See the problem? Lastly, "air conditioning". Sweet Jesus, just when you think it can't get any worse, we learn he's a total pussy. He can't live without air conditioning. Tooldaddy? it's going to be a cold and lonely winter, my man.

Anyway, when I was done looking at these, I laughed to myself, went downstairs, found my wife, and just said "honey, if you ever leave me? you are so very screwed". She did what she normally does when I say things like this and told me to change my son's diaper.

Posted by Dick at January 17, 2004 10:40 AM | TrackBack