If there's one thing I've learned over the years (besides the fact that midgets don't like to be called "good luck charms"), it's that the only qualification for being a CEO is having been a CEO. No other job outside of the most junior position is like this. Try applying for a product manager position at Nokia, having been a product manager for soap at Proctor and Gamble, and they'll look at you like you're a talking vodka bottle. Actually, they're finns, so long about 4pm they look at lots of people this way, in eager anticipation of cocktail hour.
Is it wrong to say such things about our Scandanavian brothers? Maybe it is, but listen, some stereotypes are true. You need only hop on one FinnAir flight to Helsinki to realize the magnitude of the issue. Bottles of wine are literally careening about the cabin approximately 4 minutes after you've pulled away from the gate. The last time i flew FinnAir, there was some serious turbulence. Rather than clutching the armrests, the passengers pleaded with the flight attendants to distribute the extra vodka that all FinnAir flights are required to keep handy for just such emergencies. At the end of the flight, the attendants made no less than four trips through the aisles with garbage bags for the emptys. It was a 90 minute flight. These people have a problem; it only appears that they don't because they're next to Estonia ...this is akin to the Scots drinking problem. It doesn't look nearly so bad when you travel from there to Ireland, where people will get so drunk they can't use verbs the next day, and you start to think that maybe the Scots are just hardcore social drinkers.
Boy do I get sidetracked easily....The point of this post is that once you're a ceo, you're set. You can now go be a ceo anywhere, at any other company, regardless of how little you know about that industry. Take Michael Capellas, for example. Actually, he's the perfect example, so let's definitely take him. Here's a guy who was on the executive team at Compaq computer. Maybe he's a sharp guy, maybe he's elmer fudd. I have no idea. Back in 1999, he was promoted to COO from some other position in Compaq. Lo and behold, just after mike's promotion, Eckhard Pfieffer was asked to resign as CEO, probably because of his ridiculous name. So, what do you know, Michael Capellas is named CEO.
At this point, if you're Michael Capellas, you're probably thinking "what if they find out I'm Michael Capellas?" Sure enough, Compaq proceeds to do pretty darn poorly in Michael's one year as CEO, but gets to blame lots of 2000's problems on the World Trade Center attacks ("nobody bought pc's last month because of the world trade center attacks. our disk drives suck because of al queda. Terrorists forced us to overprice our machines in the 2nd quarter", and on and on). There was no end to Osama's ability to ruin a balance sheet across corporate America. Anyhow, Michael's busy wrapping up year 1 as bad new ceo, when along came a spider in the form of HP, who convinces michael to put his peanut butter in HP's chocolate, in the hope that Corporate Reese's and not "choco-peanut gunk" will come out the other end.
But with hp and compaq merging, there's only room for one el jeffe in this town, so it's troubled times ahead for Mike, don't you think? He was promoted out of good fortune to his CEO role, things didn't go so well, and then just over a year later, he's out of a job (well, carly said he'd be "president" of the new company, but we all know that's code for "bugger off, stinky").
Now, imagine you're mike, and this was any other position in industry: you got promoted, you didn't do a great job, you lost your job through consolidation. Gonna be rough sledding getting that kind of job again. However, for some reason that escapes me and is never explained, nothing qualifies you to be a CEO like having been a CEO. Doesn't matter how badly you screwed up the last gig, or whether or not you know anything about your new industry. Sure enough, less than six months after the hp acquisition, Mike lands the CEO role at troubled telco giant Worldcom. Now what exactly is it about the pc business that qualifies you to run a telecom business? Both businesses use products that have metal in them? Both company names (compaq and worldcom) have two syllables? No matter; says here on his resume that Mike was a ceo, and we need a ceo. He's our man.
Posted by Dick at February 6, 2004 08:14 PM | TrackBack