802.11me

Banned Business Phrases

The following commonly used business phrases are hereby banned for the following reasons and are to be immediately replaced by my suggested alternatives:

1. "Open the Kimono". Reason: Yo, Shogun, it's the year 2003, and we're trying to pretend we're all mature now, so slowly back away from your Kipling-esque fantasies of the "orient" and step into some straight talk. Alternative: "Tell them everything"

2. "Soup to Nuts". Reason: the last time I or anybody I know ended a meal with nuts was never. Did people ever end their meals with nuts? and if so, why? who finishes eating and then says "i could really go for a bowl of cashews right now!" Alternative: "front to back" or "start to finish".

3. "Knock it out of the park". Reason: you can hit a home run and still lose the game, so what does this phrase really tell us? What if you're down 9-0, and you hit it out of the park? you still lose. Do you mean "let's knock this out of the park and then go on to win the game with steady defense and continued aggressive offense?" That's no good. Alternative: "Succeed tremendously"

4. "If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to..." Reason: are you kidding? please do not hesitate to...? why don't you just say "I'm a coward but i'd like you to get back to me quickly but i don't want to appear confident so i'll wussy up the language a bit". Alternative: "Get back to me, and I'll [take some appropriate action]"

5. "The qualified applicant must have excellent communication skills". Reason: I know maybe 3 people with excellent communication skills, none of whom are applying for any of these jobs. Alternative: "The qualified applicant must not be a total loser".