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LA Confidential Redux: The Competition Movie

A while ago, I posted a helpful formula that gave would-be screenwriters the secrets to writing a successful romantic comedy. I could link to it here through the miracle of html, but you can also just search for it through the miracle of the search form on this page. In any case, it's time to toss a few more logs on the roaring bonfire of fame and fortune and present another easy-to-follow formula for becoming a successful Hollywood screenwriter. Today's lesson: The Competition Movie.

Definition
A competition movie is any movie in which our hero(es) overcomes personal history and unlikely odds in order to win some event.

Examples
The Natural
Smokey and The Bandit
Bad News Bears
Mighty Ducks
The Fighting Temptations
Rat Race
Snow Dogs
SeaBiscuit
Revenge of the Nerds
Karate Kid

Rules
There are five rules you must keep in mind when writing your action film.

Rule 1: Nobody gets killed.
This is very important. The moment somebody is killed, you've got an action movie on your hands, and there are all sorts of other rules (to say nothing of order of magnitude higher budgets) that take center stage once you're in action movie territory. Never ever have anybody get killed in your competition movie.

Rule 2: Somebody must die.
One or more of our heroes needs to overcome adversity and personal hardship, so Grandma or Dad or Brother Tony is going to have to come down with a fatal cough or other terminal affliction. Note that sometimes Brother Tony can die before the film, as long as our hero obsesses about him and reflects on his death in moments of decision.

Rule 3: One Key Woman, Please.
The film must have one female character who is either strong willed, intelligent, beautiful, or some combination thereof. Ideally, this female character will challenge our hero(es) to be all that they can be during the movie's denouement. Tatum O'Neal in Bad News Bears, Beyonce in The Fighting Temptations, and Elisabeth Shue in The Karate Kid (yes, that was Elisabeth Shue, can you believe it? Somewhere Ralph Maccio is asking himself "how did she grow up to be elisabeth shue and i grew up to be "that guy who played the karate kid"?). All other women must play "nagging mom", "bitchy wife", or "silly girlfriend" roles.

Rule 4: The hero's opponents are bad people.....Until they are defeated.... At which point, they sometimes become good people, like when the heretofore evil blonde karate teenager dude hands ralph maccio the trophy after he tried to "sweep the leg". Sometimes though more bad stuff just happens to the bad people after they've been defeated, usually for comic effect. See all Jackie Gleason scenes in Smokey and the Bandit.

Rule 5: Before the climax, the hero must decide (or be forced) to quit. Top Gun, Karate Kid, Seabiscuit, Bad News Bears....quitters all of em.....you can't truly have that final victory in a competition movie UNLESS you've just come back from quitting. Why is this the case? nobody knows. Certainly, in real life, people hate quitters who try to come back. What? You again? Didn't you just quit? Get the hell out of here! But not in the competition movie. In the competition movie, the path to redemption is right over there under that "I QUIT!" sign.

Casting
Ok, ok, you've got the rules, it's time to cast your movie. What are your options? First of all, if this movie's premise is idiotic or is some variation on the "fish out of water" story, Cuba Gooding Jr. is your man. Boat Trip, The Fighting Temptations, and Snow Dogs. Cuba may have an Oscar under his belt, but he will be damned if he's going to turn down the opportunity to play a rural podiatrist who just inherited a salt mine in Mexico that he has to save from repossession by winning the Battle of the Salt Mines competition in Oaxaca and simultaneously winning the affections of the Senorita de las Casas Nuevas.

All other casting decisions are up to you, although there is some question as to who is really eager to work with Cuba Gooding Jr. these days.

Have fun, and save me the window seat! (get it? siskel and ebert and roeper jokes - this is what it's come to around here).

Posted by Dick at May 11, 2004 02:33 PM | TrackBack