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And Now, the Democratic Challengers

How lame is the democratic party. The Republican president is an
idiotic, lying, coward who has engendered the animosity and hatred of
every nation on the face of the earth, and the democrats assemble
this ragtag bunch of losers to challenge him.

Wow. That previous sentence is pretty hyperbole-laden. We'd better
dissect it term by term to separate fact from opinion.

The President is an idiot.

Evidence: George Bush says "nucular". Is this acceptable that the
ruler of the free world says "nucular"? The word "nuclear" only has
like 5 or 6 letters in it; he can't take 15 minutes out of his
morning staff meeting to get Rumsfeld to learn it to him? Everytime
I hear him say "nucular", I keep on thinking he's going to end the
sentence with "n shit", as in "We have evidence that Iraq has nucular
weapons n shit."

Evidence: The president, upon meeting Vladimir Putin, actually said
IN PUBLIC "I looked into his soul...". Who walks around saying things
like that? I looked into his soul?? What are you, Esmerelda the
Witch? That's how you're going to evaluate your bilateral ties with
Russia? By looking into the PM's soul? What an idiot.

He's definitely stupid. we'll call this a 'fact'.

Bush has engendered the animosity and hatred of every nation on
the face of the earth

Evidence: Some people might say israel is still a staunch ally, but
Sharon has thumbed his nose at more direct appeals from Bush than the
russians ever did during the entire cold war. I imagine their white
house conversations going like this:

Bush: Ariel, you need to stop building that barrier

Sharon: Do you realize you say "nucular", you goddamned moron?

Bush: Ariel, you need to stop expanding the settlements right now

Sharon: Listen, I need some cake. Seriously. If I'm not knee-deep in
5000 calories in a couple of minutes, my blood sugar is gonna red
line, and these eyes are gonna pop out of my skull. Have you seen my
waist lately? Check out my belt: I've had the entire Torah enscribed
on it in 12 point Courrier font. I'm also going to need some Jelly
Bellies for the plane ride home. Couple jars of em.

More Evidence: We were recently on the losing end of a 319-3 vote in the
united nations. I think it was UN Resolution 2113, No Smoking in Gay Bars,
but that doesn't matter. I don't care what the institution is
or what the votes about, when you go down 319-3, something has gone
horribly terribly wrong. Think about it. If you're in prison, and
you're on the losing end of a 319-3 vote? I don't care how big you
are, you are going to be biting the pillow that night. But let's not
jump to conclusions, let's look at who voted with us: a) Israel.
Check (diplomatic note: must send Kosher "thank you sausages" to
Sharon). and b) The Marshall Islands

ALRIGHT! The Marshall Islands? Hey, we have a new friend! Now we're
gettin somewhere! Marshall Islands is onside and in the house!
WOOHOO!! Plus, it's not The Marshall Island, it's plural! So, really,
the vote would have been like 319-12 if the UN had implemented our
"one island, one vote" policy. Ok, ok, calm down. Before we get
too excited, we need to go learn a little bit more about our ally. Let's
see: GDP $18, mostly from recycling aluminum cans. Exports: Kosher
"thank you sausages". Imports: Fuckall.

More Evidence: On Bush's upcoming trip to England, about 100,000 people
will protest his trip in London. Ladies and Gentlemen, if you would
have told me in November 2001 that Bush's trip to England two years
later would be met with massive protests, I would have thought "holy
crap! What'd he do? Bugger the Queen? Pee on Prince Harry's shoes?"
And lest one of you say that 100,000 people is not really that many
people, I would remind you that we are talking about England! This is
not a big place to begin with! It's not like China, where 100,000
people might be on fire at any given moment. It's England - 100,000
people in England is a quorum.

Bush is a coward
The true mark of a coward is a man who takes all the credit for
achievements with which he had little to do, while taking none of the
blame for failures for which he was chiefly responsible. I think we
have a winner. Remember back in early spring when Bush landed on the
deck of the USS Battlestar Galactica in his flight suit and gave that
roaring victory speech under the giganto-banner: "Mission
Accomplished"? Wow, wasn't that cool? Here was our "never in the
armed forces" commander-in-chief showing americans everywhere that he
really was in the military now! LOOK! he's got the flight suit to
prove it! So what if he rode in the back seat and wet his pants on
takeoff, here he was declaring to americans, the world, and
everybody: "We Win! and I'm the winner-in-chief!" Oops. That was a
few months ago. Now that things haven't gone as well as planned ,
Bush has his lackeys out on the talk shows explaining away the
triumphalism. "oh, that banner? oh, that wasn't meant to be mission
accomplished for the whole WAR....no no no, that was just something
the admiral of the ship put on there because the ship had finished
its tour of duty in the region and was heading home, that's what that
was for, they were going to put "mission of heading back from the
middle east and into port accomplished" on it but there wasn't enough
material...the President had nothing to do with that banner and
probably didn't even know it was there....no no, we ALWAYS KNEW it
was going to be a long hard slog". Oh I see, it's the admiral's fault
for putting up that misleading banner that's now making the president
look bad, better fire that guy. And where is George's slick
commander-in-chief jacket these days? You remember the one, he had
that blue zip up coat with the embroidered American flag on the chest
and the faggy epilets that tried to make him look like he was all tough
and military? Was wearing it all the time in march
and april, remember? no, we don't see that jacket anymore, because
things aren't going so well now. Best to don civilian suit and tie
and put a somber look on your face these days. Not so much fun to be
head army guy right now for George.

Bush is a liar
"We will not engage in nation building"
"We have solid evidence that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction"
"I promise I will learn how to pronounce 'nuclear' correctly by my
third year in office"

Ok, well we've sorted that out. It's all fact. Now let's take a look
at the Democratic challengers to see if they're really all losers.

Joe Lieberman.
Oof. As Eric says, no way I can vote for the guy who played the Father on TV's
Alf. If there are two
classic truths in Washington, they are "Don't get caught with your
hand in the cookie jar" and "Never work with puppets". Bye Bye, Joe.

John Kerry. Didn't this guy already run for president once
before? or was that Bob Kerry? Wait. Which one was in Vietnam? I
think the other one was in vietname. Were they maybe both in Vietnam?
The Fighting Kerry's? Man, no wonder we lost that war. what a stupid
rule that was - where only people with the same last names could be
in the same battalian - that really caused such logistics headaches;
and poor Sgt. Gedcryznicky out there all alone. Anyway, let's see,
says here John just fired his campaign manager. Why? Because he is
actually behind Carol Moseley-Braun in the polls. Wow. It takes a
special kind of jackass to fall behind carol moseley-braun in the
polls. How the hell did that happen? John, you fall any farther
behind in the polls, and you're gonna start travelling backward in
time. Stick a fork in it, John. Say 'hi' to Bob for us.

Dick Gebhardt. Jesus, this guy. What a wussy. I have never
understood what the state of Missouri sees in this guy, but then
again, they're all crazy for that "arch". Seriously, Dicker, here's the deal:
The American people want a MAN as their president, and you are a
WUSSY. See the problem? The words MAN and WUSSY have none of the same
letters in them and, therefore, they are exact opposites. This means
you are unelectable. Interestingly, the words electable and
unelectable have most of the same letters, but they are also exact
opposites. Hmmm, it's a crazy world. Anyway Dick, someday the wussy
king of the solomon islands (or whoever it was voted with us in that
319-3 UN drubbing) will retire and you can claim your rightful place
on that throne. Bye for now.

Dennis Kucinich. Dude, two words for you: Sham poo.
Seriously, look, you are running for president, you need to shower-up
and wash your hair once in a while. It only takes a couple of minutes
and you'll feel all fresh and clean. Don't you have aides? Couldn't
they maybe take a half hour out of your debate prep once a week and
run a hot bath for you? "C'mon Dennis, we'll talk about nafta later.
Right now, it's lather, rinse, repeat, and use the washcloth this
time!". I imagine all the candidates backstage before the debates
thinking "Boy, somebody smells like ass. I bet it's kucinich." No
Soap, no dice. See ya.

Carol Moseley-Braun. Didn't we kick her out of Illinois
about 10 years ago? Can't believe she's back. Well, since
Carol never gets called on during the debates, I imagine her standing
over there daydreaming: "Boy, was it really just a couple months ago
that Mary and Rebecca and I were sitting around smoking that
ditch-weed that I brought back from Kansas? And then Mary said,
"Carol, hasn't it been ten years since they kicked you out of
Illinois? You should run again." And then Rebecca said "Honey, you
should run for President!" and then they laughed and laughed, and I
said "GRMPH!" cause i had that huge brownie stuffed in my mouth. But
then i said "you watch. I WILL run for president." And then we woke
up at 2pm the next day and I declared my candidacy. Wow. Now Look.
Still here. Look at Kerry; what the hell is he talking about; going
on about Medicare like anybody's listening. I'm kicking his butt, and
I haven't said a damn word, what a loser. He does look younger
though. God, what smells? Oh no, they put me next to dennis again.
Lord, that is nasty. Uh oh. Did she just ask me a question? Oh no,
just stare straight ahead and pretend you didn't hear. Hmmm. What if
this moderator asks me to sing the National Anthem? Boy, that would
be embarrassing. I wish I was just a little bit high right now."
Sorry Carol, no hyphens in the white house. NEXT!

Al Sharpton. To be honest, I kinda like Al. Don't ask me why.
Maybe just because I haven't listened to him much. But he is unable
to be elected president owing to the "you can't be president if
you've been the punchline to more than 2000 late night talk show
monologues in the last 15 years" rule. Sorry Al.

Howard Dean. Unfortunately for the good doctor, and in spite
of what viewers of The Bachelor might tell you, television is not reality. So, while the
new-england-intellectual-governor-captures-the-white-house-with-moxy-
and-erudition may work well on "The West Wing", there's no way that
Vermont's two-thirds of an electoral vote is going to "carry the
south". On a side note, what the hell ladies? This guy on the
bachelor is supposed to be hot? All the girls on the show seemed to
think so, but I watched this thing one night for 3 minutes and the
guy looks like the illegitimate offspring of Peter Brady and
Frodo.

Gen. Wesley Clark. Alright. That's what I'M talking about.
West point, NATO commander, erudite as hell, Army ass-kicker. Now
we're smoking the good stuff. So what if he just joined the
Democratic party tuesday afternoon during cocktails. I'm in.

Posted by Dick at November 16, 2003 10:32 AM | TrackBack