If I had a nickel for every corporate presentation that started off like this: "When <name of person> asked me to speak today about <this topic>, I thought, well, I am (or am not) the most qualified person to discuss <this topic> because after all, <some stupid fucking joke>!". This is a sure sign that the rest of the presentation is about to be a real snoozfest. Never start your presentation with a joke unless it is a dirty joke. that is the only allowable violation to the "never start a presentation with a joke" rule. You can also use just the beginning of a dirty joke if you're too much of a wussy about "getting fired".
Example: (context: a speaker has been asked to present a discussion of what quality product development means in the workplace...you think this can't be funny, entertaining, and informative? you're wrong)
NOT FUNNY INTRO - "When Bill asked me to speak today about Six Sigma, I thought, well, I am not the most qualified person to discuss this topic because after all, I was a Kappa!...(editors note: these are hard to even think of, they're usually so horrifying. i can't even come up with a good bad one).
FUNNY INTRO - Two hookers walk into a bar.
See the difference? You say, maybe, that "two hookers walk into a bar" has nothing to do with the topic? i say "zactly. that's the point". what's the last thing you are expected to say...when you lead with "two hookers walk into a bar", you now definitely have everybody's attention, and further, it's not at all clear that the rest of your presentation is going to suck...better pay attention. if you're uncomfortable telling hooker jokes, tell the old "two pilots are caught crash landing in an indian burial ground" joke, aka the "death or Ru-Ru" joke. I told that in front of at least 200 people at Andersen Consulting once to huge laughs, and they ended up having a multi-billion dollar IPO years later, see? anything is possible with the right attitude. (email me if you need the complete transcript to the ru-ru joke).
ok, now you correctly have their attention and it's time to launch into your actual presentation. Here's how to fuck it up real good: Turn around and read your slides, making sure to print everything on your slides that you're going to say. Now, conversely, Here's how to keep it entertaining, informative, and make sure the audience is looking at YOU to see what you are going to say next: put only images without words OR single words or meaningless phrases on your slides that remind you of points you want to make. Be certain to use some complete non-sequitors on the slides so that people are forced to look at and think "what in the hell?" - you now HAVE your audience where you want them.
Example slide:
NOT FUNNY OR INTERESTING:
Unique Six Sigma Product Features (title)
- a six sigma product is characterized by complete requirements definition documentation
- usually any errors found during unit test are stapled to the reqs with pink revision checklists and retest scripts
(jesus, it's horrifying i can write this stuff)
FUNNY AND MORE MEMORABLE version of the SAME SLIDE
USPIFF! (title)
- Requirements docs
- Martinis
- Blood
you can now proceed to explain this however the hell you want to make your actual points. eg, i'm making this up here, "martinis cause errors, when errors happen, blah blah blah". USPIFF is kind of an acronym for the long drawn out title on the previous boring version of the slide. and so on and so forth.
ok, we've introduced our topic and we know not to write sentences on our slides. What else do we need to know? oh man, a whooooooole mess o' stuff! Here are a couple quick tips, we'll go into more detail another time:
a) NEVER ever use clip art. use the free drawing pencil tool in powerpoint to make crude drawings of what you want to talk about. i'm telling you, this technique pays off in spades. you will own the house as you speak. Clip art is the DEATH of entertainment. never ever ever use clip art for any reason ever.
b) Turn around and look at your slides you loser. that's right, you....the one reading the slides....where is the audience? oh, they're out THERE? the other direction? oh my goodness, who knew. NEVER turn around and read your slides UNLESS the audience is laughing at something on the slide and you want to do a quick turn to stare at it, laugh yourself, and then say "what's so funny" or something. only do it once though.
c) Informality breeds confidence. get out from behind the podium. gesture, pretend you know what the hell you are talking about and for god's sake, be happy to be up there whether or not you'd rather be dead at the moment.
Ah, I could go on and on....that's enough for now. More later. stay tuned.
Posted by Dick at November 24, 2003 10:03 PM | TrackBack